Your Wit Has Detached Itself From Your Brainstem
The Lost Art of Creative Insults
Intricate and Thought-Provoking Insults Are Deader Than Shakespeare
It's the age we live in—it's the culture brought about by the internet and social media. Gone are the days of people putting legitimate thought, wit, and flair into their insults. When was the last time you heard an insult such as,
The complexity of your insults tells me your range of thinking has the breadth of a chasm a thousandth of an inch wide!1
This is just something I thought up on the spot—it doesn't even have any personalisation—see if I can't come up with something better by the end of the article.
The point is, as I've covered to varying degrees in other articles, there's been a societal shift away from thinking, discussion, and intellectualism in general, leading to simple, formulaic, repetitive, and frankly boring discourse.
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Bring back wit, humour, and thoughtful insults! "Butthead," "loser," and the assorted logical fallacies that are now in abundance just won't cut it anymore.
Have a Look at What Once Was
'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried
neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O
for breath to utter what is like thee! you
tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile
standing-tuck,--2
This beautiful barrage is a masterclass in inventiveness. I'll go through what it all means, because I had no idea.
‘Sblood
A contraction of “God’s blood”—basically an exclamation. He wasn’t happy, in fact he was pretty pissed.
Starvelling
Someone who looks thin and poorly—sickly so, from not eating. Implying they're weak and fragile.
Elf-skin
A person who has shriveled skin-a small and mischievous creature.
Dried neat's tongue
"Neat" is what they used to call cattle. If you ever get compared to a dried cow's tongue—know you're being called useless.
Bull's-pizzle
What's something a bull has that a cow doesn't? Yep. The implication is the person is as worthless as a tool made from this, uh, appendage.
Stock-fish
Dried cod (a type of fish)-stiff and lifeless. Means you're dull and unanimated.
O for breath to utter what is like thee!
The speaker doesn’t have enough breath to convey their frustration—specifically, their frustration about how despicable they think the other person is.
You tailor's-yard
A yard stick—a measuring stick used by tailors of the time. I couldn’t find a definitive definition or explanation for this, however we can make some assumptions. A “tailor’s-yard” is a thin, flat stick. It could be implying that the person is thin, weak, and potentially rigid as well. It could also mean the person isn’t of much use, a yard stick is pretty unremarkable and doesn’t have a lot of utility.
You sheath
A sheath is something you store a sword or dagger when not in use. It’s a devaluing insult. There are other, cruder meanings these days though I’m not sure those are what was meant in Shakespeare’s time.
You bowcase
Similar to sheath.
You vile standing-tuck
A tuck is a type of sword used primarily for ‘thrusting’. It was generally a sword that was on ‘stand-by’ a lot of the time. Also known as an ‘estoc’.
Back in the day, people took pride in crafting such elaborate insults. They weren't just throwing random words together—they were painting vivid pictures with their words, weaving in references that everyone at the time could understand and appreciate.
The Wit and Wisdom of Historical Insults
Shakespeare wasn't the only one with wit and and expert command of the language of insults. We shouldn't forget about people like Oscar Wilde, who came up with this absolute banger,
A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.3
Oscar shows us insults don't need to be overly complicated. This one is pretty straightforward.
Or what about Benjamin Disraeli’s quip (referring to William Ewart Gladstone),
A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.4
It's not just an insult—it's a cleverly wrapped critique of someone's verbosity and lack of substance. Vomiting many words, yet saying very little.
These insults required thought, a deep understanding of language, and a flair for creativity. They weren't about inflicting tonnes of emotional damage so much as putting your own wit and intelligence on full display.
Cultural Significance
Old-timey insults were a reflection of societal values and norms. They drew upon common knowledge of literature, mythology, and daily life. The creativity involved made the exchange of insults a form of intellectual sport, a way to display your education (which was a lot rarer back then) and rhetorical skills.
Why the Decline?
So, what's changed? Why did we trade the eloquence and sophistication of yesteryear with the bluntness and unimaginative drivel of today?
There's a few reasons.
Firstly, since the time of Shakespeare, we have seen mass media and pop culture explode. Shakespeare never had a TV—that we know of. Maybe he was an early-early adopter. With television (that's what “TV” stands for) ownership, movie watching and the internet billowing out into the world—text-based entertainment flew out the window in-line of the aforementioned visual mediums. Memes and GIFs (pronounced GIF—with a “g” for all you heathens out there—you know, because it's short for ‘graphics interchange format’ (
)) have taken the world by storm over the past twenty years as a forum of expression.Secondly, we've all been pushing so hard for everyone to get into STEM fields, we as a society didn't stop to think if everyone should. We've left our appreciation of art and literature in the hands of the golden oldies, such as Shakespeare.
Last, but not leastly, social media. Need I say more? Suppose I should. They're all out for brevity, the instant algorithmic hooks. The allure of all the users on the planet is too much to resist. This has led to the encouragement of quick, snappy comebacks and not much else. Everyone else gets buried under the rubble.
We've all been infected by copywriters' lore and the curse of social media. Now! I want it now! Why do you want "it" now? What are you going to do with that extra half a second? Scroll another three centimeters of trash? Trashy, ultra-short-form, mind-numbing nonsense?
The Absolute “Best” Part About Modern Insults
The absolute “best” part about modern insults is they rely so heavily on the other person being on the same wavelength. Modern insults put all the responsibility on the other person to actively take offense. Somewhere along the line, the script got flipped so hard it's almost a pancake—still working on all this, bear with me. Think about it. A few hundred years ago, you had actual intellects crafting insults.
They meant something. These insults were targeted—and not in the way people would "target" insults today. Today, you'd just have individuals digging through all social media trying to unearth dirt. Things have gotten personal, and not in a good way.
Attacks Abound
There's something so unforgiving about modern insults as well. The attacks are so personal. Blunt. Obtuse. At the same time, they're also very impersonal. They're designed to inflict the most amount of damage in the shortest amount of time—while simultaneously chasing kudos from as many people as possible.
“Gotcha” culture. Starting a fire and walking away.
A few hundred years ago, people had class. It's unfair of me to compare the intelligentsia of old with the common everyday person—I'm going to do it anyway. Because what was a specialised skill then, most have access to today—fair game. I could make a joke at their intellectual expense—citing surprise at their ability to read and write—or expressing doubts about it. But it would be like Shakespeare using a fancy fountain pen to write on newsprint paper and sending it into the void.
I know not Shakespeare well. I can appreciate the impact and influence Shakespeare has had on many aspects of culture. I wonder how Shakespeare was regarded at the time—I suppose I could look it up and get some sense of it. But it wouldn't be the same as actually being there.
Lazy, Low Effort
Social media algorithms leave you chasing the next new thing. Companies like Twitter (X), Facebook, and especially TikTok have seemingly perfected the art of holding people's attention. Just watch, in twenty years that previous sentence will be the biggest overstatement of the century. Betcha.
We're still in the infancy of how far all this will go.
These companies and their algorithms have us trained like obedient monkeys. The more we use them, the better they can train us to keep using them. A byproduct of all this garbage is it's led to shorter everything—shorter content, shorter attention spans, shorter delayed gratification, shorter (and less effective) dopamine cycles, shorter impulse control, shorter patience. Along with The Shortening came shorter insults. It's pure laziness. People act as though they're "too busy" to engage in such nonsense, yet they're engaged with it all, daily.
We’re not like them—I understand that—we're a totally different bunch. A different breed.
Who's the Dummy Now?
What if—now hear me out. What if, with all the shortening going on—our neural pathways are also becoming shorter? And it enables our brains to actually become more complex? That would be the ultimate irony in all this. The social media and all other companies believe they're making us less attentive, more pliable, more willing to buy their products—both literally and figuratively. Meanwhile, we could be a few short—ha, generations away from the greatest minds the world has ever witnessed! Like this:
Yeah, I don't think so either. We're all going to be dribbling troglodytes in three generations.
A New Challenger Appears to Be Grunting
Speaking of troglodytes, they probably grunted, right? I don't know, but that's the impression I get. That's also the sentiment that comes across to me whenever I see basic insults—like “basic,” for instance. As in, "like, you're so basic.”
It's double-dipped in irony—perhaps that was by design. Maybe it's so many layers deep that we don't even understand our own complex web of irony anymore. The first person who uttered it likely said it with some level of irony, and, like many things, it wasn't fully understood by the receiving party. They then proceeded to use it, and it spread like an anti-intellectual virus.
Literature Loop-de-loop
No one reads anymore. Except you fine folk.
Everyone else no longer reads. They don't read literature, nor novels, not even to their own children. It's a sad state. Shakespearean insults reflect the state of literature at the time. The insults were on par with what was being written and consumed. The same can be said for modern insults. Only hangers-on like Blackadder are able to hold on to the vestiges of what was once a beautiful art. I'm hopeful this type of intellectual combativeness will make a comeback—like many pendulums that swing to and fro.
Like a leaf floating on the winds of time, society's intellect will reach the plateau it is destined—ground floor.5
The Psychology of Insults
Why do we insult each other in the first place? At its core, an insult is a social tool. It's used to establish hierarchy, express frustration, or provoke a reaction. In the past, crafting a clever insult was a way to demonstrate intelligence and social standing. Today, the immediacy of communication has shifted the focus from substance to speed.
Impact on Modern Communication
This simplification of language doesn't just affect our insults—it seeps into all forms of communication. Our ability to express complex emotions and ideas diminishes when we rely on oversimplified language. It's not just about losing fancy words—it's about losing the nuances that allow us to fully convey our thoughts.
Reviving the Art
But all hope is not lost! We can bring back the era of intelligent insults—I believe in you! Here are some tips to flex those literary sophistication muscles in preparation for Insultmania 2025—note this is not a real event, how cool would that be, though?
Read more, dummy!
Did you think you were going to squirm your little bookworm wannabe behind out of reading? Don't think so, buddy. Get some classic novels in ya—plays too, and maybe some poetry. Once you dive into some deep and rich literature, your vocab will improve and expand as a natural byproduct. Then you won't have to use words like vocab.
Expand, extend, enhance your vocabulary.
Learn new words. Read a dictionary, it's got plenty of vocabularies. Don't simply memorise words, use them. I remember learning the word, "formication" as a teenager and tripping people up with it—because it sounds like another much naughtier word. Make learning fun.
Enunciate using eloquent expression.
Take mundane stuff and make it sound fancy. The best way to do this is by putting on a British accent, everyone knows that. Instead of, "Sheesh, I'm knackered—try something like, “Dearly beloved, I'm feeling as though the weight of a thousand sleepless nights rests upon my eyelids.”
Engage yourself in some fair dinkum intellectual discussions-no, not the "As Seen On TV" ones, actual ones.
That may mean exiting out of that heated Twitter exchange early—it'll be worth it, I promise. Grow some intellectual friends. If you can't grow them try a book club or something—maybe even Substack, who knows.
Interactive Component
Let's put this into practice. Take a modern insult and transform it using the ChatGPT prompt below. Here's one I prepared earlier:
Modern insult:
You’re an idiot.
Transformed insult:
Thou art a witless clodpoll, a knave so bereft of reason that even a court jester wouldst pity thy blunderings. Verily, were thine intellect a morsel of bread, the very ducks would reject it in favor of soggy croutons. Yea, thou art the foul spawn of a most unholy union betwixt a village fool and the village fool’s shadow—truly, a mind as empty as the space betwixt thine ears, wherein even the wisest owl would find naught but the echo of thine own daft musings. 'Tis a wonder, in these times of TikTok and Twitter, that thou hast not gone viral for sheer lack of sense!
Explanation:
The insult pulls from Shakespearean language with terms like "clodpoll" (fool) and "knave" (scoundrel), while channeling Blackadder’s infamous snark with exaggerated comparisons, like the fool and his shadow. The modern twist comes from incorporating current trends (TikTok, Twitter) to emphasise the absurdity of the person's foolishness. The final jab, suggesting they'd be famous in today's viral culture simply for being idiotic, adds the humour and relevance of Blackadder's sharp societal commentary.
See how much more satisfying that is?
Real-Life Applications
Look at public figures like Stephen Fry (
), whose eloquence and wit make his speeches and conversations a delight to listen to. People appreciate cleverness—it stands out in a world saturated with the mundane.Conclusion
Realistically though, it does often feel like we have reached an intellectual plateau. And it's our own fault. Mostly through complacency and greed. Complacency has helped us achieve it, greed has helped us achieve it faster. Not capitalism, or any other particular economic system, nor religion, or any other abstract “other.” No. We only have ourselves to blame.
Now get out there and start crafting some Shakespeare-worthy insults so we can course-correct! To help you out, here's the ChatGPT prompt I came up with to turn those insipid, lethargic, uninspired insults—seemingly written by someone whose cranial contents were replaced with turnip seeds by a drunk squirrel—into something a bit more tasteful, intelligent, and perhaps even thought-provoking. Finally, I got there.
ChatGPT Insult Conversion Prompt
You are a distinguished scholar with a profound mastery of Shakespearean literature and the biting wit of Edmund Blackadder. Your task is to transform the following modern-day insult into an elaborate, classic insult with the elegance of Shakespeare and the humour of Blackadder, infused with modern cultural references. Your response should reflect the vocabulary and context of these eras while cleverly incorporating popular memes, trends, or current events. Include a brief explanation of the historical, character, or contemporary inspirations behind the chosen insult. The modern insult is: '[Insert modern insult here]'.
Simply replace [Insert modern insult here] with the actual insult, and you'll get a lovely Shakespearean/Blackadder-esque insult. I've tested it with single-word insults and multiple words, and it seems to work well.
Final Thinks
Let's revive the lost art of the eloquent insult. Not to spread negativity, but to challenge ourselves and others intellectually. Let's make language rich again, make conversations stimulating, and maybe, just maybe, we'll lift society's intellect off the ground floor.
Me, 2024.
SCENE IV. The Boar's-Head Tavern, Eastcheap. (2024, October 25). Retrieved from https://shakespeare.mit.edu/1henryiv/1henryiv.2.4.html
Oscar Wilde - Free Online Library. (2024, October 16). Retrieved from https://wilde.thefreelibrary.com
Benjamin Disraeli. (2024, October 25). doi: 10.1093/acref/9780191843730.013.q-oro-ed5-00003685
Me, 2024.
Easily my favourite insult of all time comes from an Old-Timey British Commons outburst: "Reptile souls moving in the dirt of the obscure vices in which they were generated"
Every time I think back to this line, which I discovered in a fabulous book called Phantom Terror (about the hysteria around secret societies and revolutionary plots in the 1800s) that part about the "obscure vices in which they were generated" feels so perfectly brutal.