Once Were Keyboard Warriors

Substack Guide to Etiquette

Substack is a wonderful place, full of magic and wonder and the occasional memes that plunder laughs through your mouth hole. Words are free-flowing as you read from your phone, your jim jammies are glowing. As long as there's Substack writers, coffee beans have a reason to keep growing.

Word on the street is that X (Twitter) users are infiltrating our utopia, our little slice of heaven on earth. I have it on excellent authority from the ex of an ex-X user who is also an ex-X executive and an ex-extra on one of the X-Men movies. In an exclusive exchange over an extra large espresso, they explicitly explained the exact exfiltration plan from X to Express Stack (Substack with more instant gratification engines to support all the new ex-X users).

This means we need more rules—some guidance on etiquette to keep our cosy corner of the internet, well, cosy and Substacky.

How To Fit In and Behave Yourself

The cardinal sin.

This one should be self-evident to most, but I see some writers dancing dangerously close to committing this sin of sins (of sins).

Never go three layers deep.

I understand a lot of you out there in Substackia are fans of so-called meta Substack growth strategies—also known as a subset of the unofficial 'growth bro' category. Keep it under three levels. Under. That means less, okay? What happens if you go to the third level? Nothing good. You'll break the internet, perhaps permanently.

Do you want to be responsible for that? Didn't think so.

I get the temptation to "explore how to write articles about writing articles on crafting the perfect substack growth strategy guide," but it's not worth it. It's like having a hall of mirrors that can see into the past but the only thing you can watch is Adam and Eve being silly with an apple. Each reflection shows a more distorted view of the world than the last—becoming further and further removed from reality.

Commenting Etiquette

You're allowed three unhinged, angry comments per month.

This is simply to clear out your mental cobwebs, nothing more. Use them wisely. If you go over your monthly limit you have to use substack's patented Comment Carrier Pigeon™ system until your quota resets at the end of the month. This is still in beta, so your pigeons may end up pecking for breadcrumbs in Central Park. They tried mice but they had trouble remembering all the airplane controls. RIP Stuart Little III, you were always my favourite.

Be respectful—keyboard warriors included.

Keyboard warrior's emotions can be pretty unwieldy, we get it. We know you're highly knowledgeable in everything, and that you're "just being honest," and you're cherry-picking facts because you "care"! There are two main things you should remember:

• CAPS LOCK is not your friend—it's like that one friend you had in high school who would egg you on to do stupid things. Put tape over it if you have to.

• Clever comebacks only—if you disagree on something, at least have the decency to do it with a splash of wit and charm. Sarcasm is appreciated but not mandatory. Passive-aggressive is not a synonym for sarcastic.

Keep it on topic

Time travelling squirrels are fun to discuss and all but you're just confusing Aunt Martha and her thread on gardening.

Links down in the comments!

Doth Thou shalt not covet your neighbour's subscribers—it's only a race against yourself after all.

Do you like socialising? Trying to get out of your comfort zone and network more?

Butter them up, compliment them up real good. That tends to go over nicely before you decide to shove your collab idea down their gullet.

Credit where credit is due. Did you have a "lend" of someone's idea? Return in kind, with interest. What does that mean? Give a little more back than you took—do you not know how interest works?

Drop an '@' when you're regurgitating Marvin's Marvellous Memes—they'll appreciate the shout out—this is what restacking is for. Think of your subscribers like rare (or even just regular) Pokemon. Don't overwhelm them with normal Pokeballs—this is an analogy for emails.

Thinking about leaking subscriber info?

Oh, I guess you won't mind all your devices that are currently logged into Substack playing "Baby Shark" until the end of time. I'm a parent, don't think we won't do it.

Promotoring and marketering

Yo, bro, you gotta check out this business I'm setting up. It's a multi-fractal distribution marketing hub.

Pyramid scheme.

Brooo, why are you swearing at me, bro? They specifically told us we're not allowed to use that type of language.

Who told you that?

Master Sensei from Fractal 3-Quad Cubium Boogaloo Kappa Pyr.

Don't add people's email to your newsletter without asking first. Otherwise we'll be forced to add a glitter bomb to the middle of your living room, via the window. The closed one.

You will get bonus points if you add a pun along with your first interaction with someone.

Be kind to typo hunters we're they're lonely and are just trying to get some of that sweet human interaction.

With all the above advice in mind, you'll be well on your way to do your part in making Substack the best it can be.

At ease, soldier, holster that keyboard and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

See you on the battlefield

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That's it for now.

As always,

Good luck,

Stay safe and,

Be well.

See ya!

Braeden